CLUTTERED ALONENESS
"I'm not quite sure yet if I am reaching for the stars or if I am just staring into space with my hands in the air."
I wish I could explain the hurting inside of everyones bodies. The growing pains that come from inside, but everyones hurting seems to be different, so I can only explain my own. I think this is probably the part of my story that not a lot of people want to hear, but this blog is my space for healing myself and I invite you into my thoughts for a moment.
Here you will find the truth about my feelings.
Anxiety is different for everyone. A select few might look into my mind and think they are looking into a mirror.
Loneliness is something I have learned to like, or embrace might be a better way of putting it. Being alone (for me) is never quite alone. It is not silent or peaceful. It is loud and shrieking with thoughts and fears racing around in circles like a hamster on its wheel.
Some days feel calmer than other days. Some days I feel alright. Like the calm before the storm.
The calm in the storm is only calm in relation to the intensity of the storm.
I dare you to pick out the different days from one another, because my mission is to act the same no matter how much I cannot.
Everyday I dance with a monster. Self-made, maybe. Circumstantial happenings helped strengthen him too. She is never the same twice.
Sometimes she comes into my room to greet me with warm coffee.
"Today will be a good day." She will tell me, and she will say that she wants to be together forever. Other days, she comes in to my room screaming at me so loud that eventually I feel numb and deaf. She always wants the same thing from me. Every. single. day.
Control.
Am I one person and a mirror?
Or am I two people?
She wants control. Some days she gets it easier than others. The constant tick of not being good enough and not doing anything right inside of my head eats away at my self worth and feeds the monster- But this isn't the part that I am afraid of.
I am afraid of looking at her face, to see that it is my own staring right back at me. The battle is in my brain.