NICKS AND CUTS (My Story)
A boat made of water can never sink.
Similarly, A wound that is never treated can never be properly healed.
I read somewhere that every 7 years the entirety of cells in our body are destroyed and replaced. I find comfort in knowing that one day, my body will be one that you have never touched. Although there will be reassurance in 7 years, the reality is that now I carry the weight and fear that you gave to me. I carry my keys in between my knuckles at night, always check the backseat, never take a drink from anyone, and especially: never trust anyone as much as I once did, because somewhere in the last year it was proven to me that no one has your back better than yourself. People I thought would be the first to support me were the first ones to run away and never look back.
Its been almost one year since I was sexually assaulted. Since then, many things have been said to me, including: "Don't tell anyone, It will ruin his life if this gets out". What about me? It might ruin his life if this gets out but no matter what happens it will always be apart of mine. "He was drunk, he didn't know what he was doing". Does that make anything excusible? I have been drunk before but I have never thought once about taking away someones dignity for the benefit of myself. Drunk is not an excuse. The only cause of rape is rapists. "He probably didn't mean it like that". What did he mean by it then? endearment? I doubt it.
I have always been someone who has thought about others before myself, so you can imagine my fear and hesitation to share this story. People I once trusted have turned a blind eye to me and pretend that nothing has happened, or that you deserve to be forgiven for what you did. The nicks and cuts you left on my confidence, and my personality are unforgivable, and I do not owe you a damn thing. Especially my forgiveness. You might have been a good person at one time, but you will never be able to fix what you did.
I can, however, find peace in my mind knowing that I have become stronger due to the circumstances you created for me. I don't know if I will ever find it in my heart to forgive you for what you did, but it has been shown to me that I have a strength inside of me that I didn't know I was capable of having.
I am a firm believer that there is good in everyone, but bad can easily outweigh the good.
The reason I am writing this is not for me, because if it were for me, this still would be something I kept to myself. I am writing for people to know that unfortunately, yes, these things happen, even in small places. This isn't for me to get attention, because trust me that is the last thing I want. I want people to know that they aren't alone, and that things will get better. Sad birds still sing.
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